Sometimes my mind is a fortress I can go through stressful days for weeks at a time and come out feeling empowered.

Other times one tiny slip in concentration and I start thinking in circles.
This forces me to repeat a scenario in my head which increases my anxiety.
I become afraid to take any action convinced the worst possible outcome is the only outcome and always hear the negative side to a conversation. This pushes my paranoia.
My focus gets shattered and I am unable to keep my attention on anything for more than a few minutes. This stops me accomplishing anything and has me frantically jumping between different forms of media unable to concentrate. I jump between these in a loop as well reinforcing the circular thinking so now my attempted distraction is also making me ill.

The worst this when this happens is that I am not always aware of it.

It can take me a few days to stop. To take a step back and control my breathing and reset my thoughts.

Thankfully this is something I can do now.

I can calm myself. I can answer the first question in my head instead of asking a dozen more in its place.
I can get my work done and not feel like an imposter.
I can relax and regain my focus.

I would have killed to be able to that 15 years ago.


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